Or something like hot shot, anyway...
The FEDERAL RESERVE, like all the world's central banks, has proven that it will happily create as astonishingly much cash and credit as is necessary to completely save the bond market, save the stock market, save the housing market, save the banks, save the government and save everything from everything, writes the Mogambo Guru from just outside his secret bunker.
Therefore, I have decided, after thinking about it all day, that it must be temporarily safe to venture out of the Top Secret Mogambo Bunker (TSMB) into a scary world where every economic metric is at an extreme overvaluation, and doom and destruction loom over every moment.
I mean, what could go wrong?
Suddenly, almost on a whim, oh frabjous day! I found myself out, out, out of the bunker and into, into, into the sunshine. I am light as a feather!
Or rather, I would be if I was not lugging a heavy sack of armaments, just in case of attack by zombies, space aliens, terrorists or government goon squads. Or family members. Or that crazy guy down the street. You never can tell. It's a weird world these days.
Anyway, if the government and the Fed are going to "save" everything by creating unlimited cash and credit to buy everything a dozen times over, then I figure that I have nothing to worry about in the short run, and you can quote me on this, as I have no doubt that they can do it.
It's easy! It's easy as pie when you can just create as much money as you want! Anytime you want! For anything you want!
How can you NOT make the prices of things stop collapsing, or even go higher, if you can create truly infinite amounts of cash and credit with which to buy more and more of them? A seller's market in everything! Hahaha! Even a toddler can do THAT! Hahaha!
To test this breathtakingly controversial new theory, we at the famous non-profit Mogambo Institute of Hotshot Research (MIOHR) conducted a groundbreaking experiment. We put two colored cards in front of an actual toddler, although there was some discussion as to whether she actually toddled, or merely reflexively extended one leg out as she clumsily fell over in the process of trying to stand up.
The whole time her interfering mother was whining "I told you she was too young to walk, jerks!", and I'm explaining to her that it HAS to be a toddler because we already postulated the theory about it being so easy that a toddler could do it! Postulated, I tells ya!
I am, of course, mentally adding "Yayappy moron!" to my explanation of the serious, serious science behind this.
Well, the exciting, seminal experiment went like this: One card was green, see, representing the decision to create more cash and credit, and the other card was red, representing the stopping of creating more cash and credit.
We scientifically presented the two cards to the kid, and told her "Touch the green card if you want to create more cash and credit, and touch the red card if you do NOT want to create more cash and credit."
If she touched the green card, thus proving our hypothesis that even a toddler can create cash and credit, we said "Good girl!" and gave her a happy "goochie-goo" on her fat little tummy.
However, if he looked like she was going to touch the red card to stop the monetary expansion, I would caution her "Uh-oh! Think about it!"
If the damned kid again attempted to touch the red card (and thus stop monetary expansion), we would escalate the warning to yelling "Stop! What are you, some kind of moron? Are you too stupid to see that the economy needs more cash and credit? Think of the poor widows and orphans who will suffer when the economy collapses, you dumb little squirt! And you'll destroy your parent's retirement funds! Do you hate your parents or something?"
To add a little realism to the experiment, I added, as if to Janet Yellen, "And say goodbye to all the bribe money in the form of outrageous speaking fees we AIN'T gonna give ya! And think of the interesting things that the IRS, NSA, FBI, CIA, SEC, NASD, and Pentagon will find while they are digging around in your files, your email, your life, and your parents' lives, which will all be ruined when we get through with you!"
Well, after exhaustive testing, the scientific conclusion that the Mogambo Institute Of Hotshot Research (MIOHR) was able to draw from this important, important study is that, yes, even a drooling toddler can increase the money supply to "save the economy."
We also found that toddlers, like money managers and bankers, will not buy gold when presented with that selfsame scientific presentation of green cards, red cards and the accompanying threatening commentary.
Especially when it is proved, and admitted, that the government and Fed conspire to suppress the price of gold.
Now, not investing in precious metals thanks to suppression of their prices by the government may be entirely apropos for a money manager focused solely on the short-term and his own selfish interests, but for long-term value investing, wow! It is a once-in-a-lifetime bargain!
The only thing that will stop this whole Make More Money Madness (MMMM) is when price inflation in consumer staples rises so high that more money cannot be created and given away fast enough to keep up with the worsening decline in the purchasing power of the Dollar, until it reaches, alas, zero.
At that point, everything will cost infinity Dollars due to zero purchasing power of the Dollar, since nobody will want the damned things and thus have no value. Zimbabwe springs to mind.
Oh, people mock me for such shameless rhetoric. Nobody seems the least hesitant to say "What a moron!" or the popular "Butt-faced dork!"
Still others conspiratorially say "The Magnificent Mogambo (TMM) knows too much! Let's take him out. Or, better yet, make it look like his wife poisoned his food, which he always suspected, but has been proven wrong so many times that he won't suspect anything! Hahaha!"
Seemingly, the only thing left to do throw up one's hands, and loudly chant "Doctor Bombay! Doctor Bombay! Emergency! Come right away!" It worked for Samantha Stephens!
If for some reason Dr. Bombay does NOT show up, mix a magic potion and chant an incantation or two to set everything aright, then I suggest you buy gold and silver because they have magical qualities. They must have, because look at how gold and silver have held their values all these millennia!
Oops! I can tell you are tired of reading, and are asking "Is this doofus ever going to shut up?" and "How long until lunch?"
The answer to both is "soon." In summation, then, we have two investments that are (waxing poetic) guaranteed to succeed by the linear line of time, but whose prices are being held artificially low so as to not scare the womenfolk and livestock with rapidly rising prices as the economy agonizes in its death throes, strangled to death by unproductive debt.
That's where more central bank creation of cash and credit comes in, which is where monetary inflation comes in, which is where inflation in prices comes in, which is where rising prices of gold and silver come in.
When you think about it, it's "Whee! This investing stuff is easy!"